Just a Mum...

Just a Mum... Its a tough gig. But one of the hardest parts is just how undervalued it is. I always knew the CV gap would be a problem for potential employers but I hadn't realised that friends and even family wouldn't quite grasp how challenging being a stay at home parent is.

Some of the fun as 'Just a mum'

A few months back my husband and I went out kid free (at night…together!), with friends. This was the first time since I became pregnant that we were both “out out”…albeit “out out” meaning home by midnight for the babysitter, as opposed to 6am BC - Before Child. We got our glad rags on and hopped on the bus to meet our friends in town. It was great seeing everyone, my husbands friend was back from Canada so there was a good crowd. We saw people we hadn't seen since before we were parents. It was great catching up, but it became quite apparent how different our lives had become. 

The question of "what are you up to now" came up repeatedly, and my automatic response was always - “I'm just a mum”. This wasn’t the first time I’d had this conversation, or the last – in fact just yesterday I found myself saying the very same thing. Every time I say it I feel slightly saddened and slightly disappointed in myself. And its not because I think being 'just a mum' is not good enough. Any full time parent will more than likely agree it is the toughest job we've ever had! It's the negative connotation that you are somehow less than before, or less than the person you are talking to. You're not an employee, you don't get paid, you 'just' stay at home looking after a smaller version of yourself. You're nothing special, you're 'just' a mum. 

Well it would appear that, for some, this wasn't a good enough response, confirming my (occasional) concerns that 'just a mum', in fact, wasn't good enough. "But don't you have your own business as well?" I was asked. (This was before my somewhat rushed end to One Little Bear, more on that another day). I tried to explain that the majority of my time and my main focus is being a mum. Working hours of around 5/6am until 8/9pm meant my business hours were usually something between 9pm-midnight when either the kid would wake demanding 'Mummy' (it's never Daddy she wants through the night), or I'd pass out exhausted. The conversation went back and forth for a while but it was clear that this guy had no grasp on the realities of being a full time parent and how life-consuming it really is. 

It's been 18 months since I made the decision to leave my job and remain home with my daughter. It was one of the toughest decisions I'd ever made and it still leaves me feeling conflicted. The last few years have been amazing. Obviously a year of maternity leave is brilliant, but it is in the last few months I have witnessed my child develop and grow into her own little character. She is hilarious; she has me in stitches every day, I am so fortunate that I have gotten to witness and share so much of her growth with her. I cant imagine missing a single moment of it. But at the same time I loved my career, I had worked so hard to get to the position I held only to leave it a year later. I know that going back, whenever I choose to, will be so much harder the longer I leave it. So being made to feel like the path I had chosen, after months agonising over my decision, was somehow not good enough, kinda cut deep. 

Unless you have experienced being a full time parent its impossible to understand quite how demanding the role is. Whether you work or stay at home. It is, with out a doubt, a tough gig. Here are some of the realities of being a full time, stay at home parent, its not for the faint-hearted -

• Average full time hours in the UK are around 40 hours. My working week - Approximately 110 hours and on call 24-7!
• There are no breaks, ever... Whether its making a cup of tea, having lunch, or even a wee. I may be able to achieve these things, but its not as simple as just going and doing it. (For example -  During the time its taken to get this far through this blog LB has had 3 tantrums [one because I told her not to paddle in the dogs water, one because I went to the toilet and one because I told her it’s not nice to hit her doll with a hammer], bumped her head (twice) and needed to be consoled, turned off my PC mid-sentence and is now repeating 'hello mummy' in my face)
• There's no time off! Yes we go on holidays but they are no more relaxing than being a parent at home.  Perhaps the occasional day off where the other parent is in charge or an Aunt/Uncle has kindly stepped in. But you are still a parent, that bit doesn't go anywhere. Sure you might yearn for time away, to relax and have a break. But they're still at the forefront of your mind and you find yourself missing them, wondering if they are happy, are they missing you, and you realise you are eager to return to your little terrors
• No sick days! If I am sick, nothing changes, my toddler doesn't care, beyond maybe the occasional sympathetic kiss on the forehead. But I will still be woken at 6am, have to make breakfast, change stinking nappies, get climbed on and either be forced out of the house or have my living room resemble an absolute bombsite as the little one climbs the walls! 
• You don't have colleagues, it can get lonely. There's no office gossip or camaraderie, there's little day to day contact with other adults which can send you a little loopy. 
• Always poor! The choice to stay home wasn't because we could afford to, almost that I couldn't afford not to. With inflexible working hours, long days and a long commute, £5K a year on a train ticket plus long hours in childcare - my wages would have been almost eradicated. Living on one income is a constant grind, full of compromise and little room for luxuries. 
• You're rarely at home. At least I'm not. ‘SAHM’ seems a deceptive phrase, my child goes stir crazy if we are home to long. We are constantly out, constsantly busy, and always on my feet. Although its great fun being out in the fresh air doing exciting things, it is exhausting. 
• The house is always a mess!! Life before parenthood I envisaged as a SAHM you would have an immaculate home. The reality could not be more different! The hours I am in my house I'm entertaining my child. But if I ever do attempt to tidy a room my kid can destroy another in half the time. Its as productive as banging your head against a wall!!  
• A CV gap where all that you have achieved, all the hours you have put in and all the sacrifices you have made will never be fully recognised.   

Days out with my girl! Its hard to miss office life 

With all that in mind I need to start being kinder to myself, have more respect for my own life choices and ignore anyone who could never comprehend what a challenging, all-consuming, ever so rewarding job it is to be 'Just a mum'. I blooming love my role and wouldn't change it for the world.