Milestones, Growth charts and Guilt
This morning I am feeling exhausted, but there is housework to be done and the nappy bin is overflowing. Little bear is napping on me; I should put her in her cot and get on with the chores…but I am taking this moment to sit down for 10 minutes (and of course write this blog). Why am I so tired? Well I have been up since 5am for starters!
In just over 6 weeks my precious girl will turn 1, and she has NEVER been a big fan of sleep. There are tons of books, hundreds of theories, a minefield of information on babies sleep. The overall consensus seems to be that by 6 months a baby has the ability to sleep through. Well, mine definitely didn't get that memo! She still wakes, on average, twice a night. She doesn't sleep much in the day either as it happens. The aforementioned nap is now over, and I barely made it through writing my first paragraph! I have thought about 'sleep training' but personally I find it too upsetting. I'm not ruling it out and at some point I may give it a go, but for now I am choosing to just carry on as I am and not let it stress me out (and wear big sunglasses whenever I leave the house on the really bad days!).
In my 10 months as a parent I have found that there is an overwhelming amount of information on all aspects of parenting, a lot of it contradictory, and most based on opinion (or consensus thereof) rather than fact. There are milestones for every skill or behaviour, and pressure to fit in to the exact parameters set out by health visitors, baby groups, other parents or the hundreds of parenting websites and magazines out there. I am 31 years and 4 months old, and I’m certain that all 31 years and 4 month olds are different. They have different skills, personalities, careers, interests, hobbies, some are very tall, some short, some bald, some with ridiculous haircuts! And that's OK. But if you are a baby, each month of your life you should have reached a certain weight, gained a certain skill, slept a certain amount of hours, grown a certain amount of teeth etc. The list is endless!
It was then I decided to stop getting so hung up on all these ridiculous guidelines. I decided I knew my baby better than anyone else, but more importantly she knew herself. She knew when she wanted to push herself, when she wanted to eat more or how much she wanted to sleep. I decided to ignore the milestones, stop Googling, stop fretting, and stop worrying what was right and wrong. We are both far more relaxed and happy. She still has no teeth, definitely does not sleep through, but she is walking well (sometimes running), climbing and babbling lots. The support of the health service, their checkpoints and health visitor regulations is absolutely a valuable resource…but not the be all and end all of childcare, and certainly not an omnipresent being that knows my daughter and her well-being better than I do. As for anyone else's opinions, sharing with other parents can be very helpful, but if I don't agree with their advice/opinions, I will ignore it.
Since Little Bear started walking confidently (at an age that some would consider ‘early’) I have had lots of comments from other parents – some positive and supportive, but others slightly competitive or jealous. It makes me feel awkward and I find myself dismissing her perceived ‘success’ in this particular area of development. 'She's not very good' or 'she falls a lot still' are just some of the sentences that blurt out of my mouth almost involuntarily. I don't know why. I wish I could just embrace it and celebrate how good she is. But I worry I will make them feel bad, and I don't want to seem like I'm bragging. It is so easy to fall into the trap of comparing your baby to another when instead we should be celebrating their individual successes and their own very personal development journeys. This is yet another symptom of the pressure all of us parents are under.
To all parents, I say you are doing amazingly! Filter out the BS, enjoy your babies, embrace their differences, celebrate their milestones, whatever they are and whenever they happen. They are all wonderful tiny beings that enrich our lives. We are all struggling with some aspect of parenting, so support each other, don't judge other parents. We are all doing are very best! We are all learning as we go. We are all just winging it! Don't sweat the small stuff…
In just over 6 weeks my precious girl will turn 1, and she has NEVER been a big fan of sleep. There are tons of books, hundreds of theories, a minefield of information on babies sleep. The overall consensus seems to be that by 6 months a baby has the ability to sleep through. Well, mine definitely didn't get that memo! She still wakes, on average, twice a night. She doesn't sleep much in the day either as it happens. The aforementioned nap is now over, and I barely made it through writing my first paragraph! I have thought about 'sleep training' but personally I find it too upsetting. I'm not ruling it out and at some point I may give it a go, but for now I am choosing to just carry on as I am and not let it stress me out (and wear big sunglasses whenever I leave the house on the really bad days!).
In my 10 months as a parent I have found that there is an overwhelming amount of information on all aspects of parenting, a lot of it contradictory, and most based on opinion (or consensus thereof) rather than fact. There are milestones for every skill or behaviour, and pressure to fit in to the exact parameters set out by health visitors, baby groups, other parents or the hundreds of parenting websites and magazines out there. I am 31 years and 4 months old, and I’m certain that all 31 years and 4 month olds are different. They have different skills, personalities, careers, interests, hobbies, some are very tall, some short, some bald, some with ridiculous haircuts! And that's OK. But if you are a baby, each month of your life you should have reached a certain weight, gained a certain skill, slept a certain amount of hours, grown a certain amount of teeth etc. The list is endless!
As a new mum, I took all these 'Milestones' and 'Growth charts' very seriously. I wanted to be the best mum I could. That's what we all want right? To do the best for our babies? At 8 weeks old, I took my baby to baby clinic to get weighed. It turned out that she had dropped on her weight curve, and I was told I had to come back in 2 weeks due to the 'concern' in her weight. I got home and burst in to tears! I felt like a terrible mother, and that it was all my fault. Of course it wasn’t, and it didn't matter that my baby was happy, healthy, and active…I still doubted myself and I still felt like a failure. I had to keep going back every 2 weeks until she was almost 6 months. Eventually they decided that she was following that lower curve nicely, and that the reason for the drop was probably because she was quite active for her age. All that worry over nothing!
It was then I decided to stop getting so hung up on all these ridiculous guidelines. I decided I knew my baby better than anyone else, but more importantly she knew herself. She knew when she wanted to push herself, when she wanted to eat more or how much she wanted to sleep. I decided to ignore the milestones, stop Googling, stop fretting, and stop worrying what was right and wrong. We are both far more relaxed and happy. She still has no teeth, definitely does not sleep through, but she is walking well (sometimes running), climbing and babbling lots. The support of the health service, their checkpoints and health visitor regulations is absolutely a valuable resource…but not the be all and end all of childcare, and certainly not an omnipresent being that knows my daughter and her well-being better than I do. As for anyone else's opinions, sharing with other parents can be very helpful, but if I don't agree with their advice/opinions, I will ignore it.
Since Little Bear started walking confidently (at an age that some would consider ‘early’) I have had lots of comments from other parents – some positive and supportive, but others slightly competitive or jealous. It makes me feel awkward and I find myself dismissing her perceived ‘success’ in this particular area of development. 'She's not very good' or 'she falls a lot still' are just some of the sentences that blurt out of my mouth almost involuntarily. I don't know why. I wish I could just embrace it and celebrate how good she is. But I worry I will make them feel bad, and I don't want to seem like I'm bragging. It is so easy to fall into the trap of comparing your baby to another when instead we should be celebrating their individual successes and their own very personal development journeys. This is yet another symptom of the pressure all of us parents are under.
To all parents, I say you are doing amazingly! Filter out the BS, enjoy your babies, embrace their differences, celebrate their milestones, whatever they are and whenever they happen. They are all wonderful tiny beings that enrich our lives. We are all struggling with some aspect of parenting, so support each other, don't judge other parents. We are all doing are very best! We are all learning as we go. We are all just winging it! Don't sweat the small stuff…
Little Bear getting fitted for her first pair of shoes
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