My Top 3 Horrific Poo Tales of 2016
For my final post of the year I have decided to opt for something a little more light-hearted than my previous few posts. Poop! Perhaps a slightly juvenile topic, but in my opinion poo stories are always funny, right? I am sure that the parents out there will be able to relate and share tales of poo fiascos, while non-parents can just laugh along and embrace their 'poo smear' free lives! I have chosen my three most catastrophic poo tales from 2016 to share with you...
3.) Mega Leak - London Town!
After a lovely day out in London (meeting work friends for lunch, a trip to the Aquarium with Little Bear's Great Grandma, dinner on The South Bank), I felt like I was totally rocking parenthood! Little Bear, right on cue, decided to take me down a peg or two. As we were walking along the Thames back to the Underground, basking in the late summer sunshine, a lady points at my child murmuring something. I smiled back at her, 'people are always stopping to tell me how beautiful she is', I arrogantly think to myself. But wait a second, she's still pointing and trying to tell me something; she repeats herself - 'Your baby has soiled herself!'. I look down and I am completely horrified by what I see, there is poo smeared all over the pushchair. Poo has leaked out of her nappy and all the way down her legs! I'm in the middle of London, tourists everywhere, what do I do? Where do I go? I eventually decide that my best option is to use the changing facilities in the nearby McDonalds. Upon entering I discover the blooming toilets are down a spiral staircase! Gt. Nan and I struggle down the stairs and scoot my stinky small human through the crowds. Alas, the baby change/disabled toilet is in use! After a good 10-15 minutes of waiting, and numerous people walking past literally holding their nose and making strange faces at us, it occurs to me that maybe the toilet is just locked by staff. I send poor Gt. Nan out to search for a member of staff. Finally we get in, and after I get through the second pack of baby wipes and a change of clothes we are slightly less stinky with just mild poo stains on the pushchair!
2). Theme Park S**t Smear!
This one was whilst on holiday in Florida back in June. We were at a theme park at the time and thankfully it was towards the end of the day. We'd sat down for a little rest and as Little Bear was sat happily on my lap my husband and I heard the ever familiar rumble. A baby-change station was just around the corner, so I said I'd go and grabbed the small nappy pod from the change bag. As I walked around the aforementioned corner the rumbling started again, but this time out poured a fountain of poop. Oh the horror! My little one was covered, as was my new bright white t-shirt. I was screaming for my husband but he couldn't hear me. I proceeded to the changing room but I didn't know where to start. There was, very genuinely, s**t EVERYWHERE! She had managed to poo all over her clothes, my clothes and even the bag containing the nappies. As I frantically started wiping everything I kept peeking my head through the door yelling for my husband. I had hoped he would figure I'd been a while, maybe I needed some help, and would come to my rescue. He did not. I kept wiping and wiping, but it seemed to just be spreading and multiplying with each wet wipe I pulled out. After what seemed like an excrement-covered eternity, eventually emerged from the changing room with the baby tucked under my arm in just a nappy (and smiling triumphantly) and a giant poo smear all the way down the front of my top. I walked back to where we were sat yelling accusingly at my poor husband 'THERE'S S**T ALL OVER ME! THERE'S S**T ALL OVER EVERYTHING'. Of course it wasn't his fault, there is no way he could have known. After all, when we left him it was set to be a regular quick change. But it didn't stop me being furious obviously...as I said, I was covered in s**t!! Luckily we had an outfit change for Little Bear. As for me, I had high-waisted shorts on and tucked my t-shirt into my shorts which managed to cover most of the poo. Unfortunately the high-waisted shorts and tucked-in-tee look is not overly flattering for a size 16 with a mum tum! It was time to head home!
1). Pool Poo
And at number 1... the pool poo! An epic poo catastrophe so bad that a swimming pool had to be closed for the day, several swimming lessons cancelled, disappointing plenty of parents and kids to boot. In November my husband had the week off of work; we enjoyed some lovely day trips and had lots of fun together. We ended the week by taking Daddy along to watch Little Bear in her swimming lesson. He hadn't seen her swimming since June so we were excited to show off how well she was doing! Into the pool we go, we start with - 'If you're happy and you know it'. We do 'If you're happy and you know it splash your hands' followed by 'If you're happy and you know it go up and down'...and the moment I lift her in to the air, "it" happens. It almost seemed to happen in slow motion, I see it happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it: poo shoots up into the air as I lift her, I watch it fly up and then splash down as far as the eye can see. There is poo all over me, there is poo all over her, there is poo floating all around us. I alert the teacher and the pool is evacuated, some attempt at fishing the lumps out are made but it is a lost cause (some has sunk to the bottom now and there are clumps floating all over the pool). My husband looks over at me, completely horrified and embarrassed. 'There's poo on your tits' he gruffly announces. Oh the shame! Pool closed. Lessons cancelled. Parents giving us a sympathetic look that says 'Oh no, these things happen, but thank god it wasn't my child'.
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| This mess didn't even make the top 3, in fact nowhere near! |
3.) Mega Leak - London Town!
After a lovely day out in London (meeting work friends for lunch, a trip to the Aquarium with Little Bear's Great Grandma, dinner on The South Bank), I felt like I was totally rocking parenthood! Little Bear, right on cue, decided to take me down a peg or two. As we were walking along the Thames back to the Underground, basking in the late summer sunshine, a lady points at my child murmuring something. I smiled back at her, 'people are always stopping to tell me how beautiful she is', I arrogantly think to myself. But wait a second, she's still pointing and trying to tell me something; she repeats herself - 'Your baby has soiled herself!'. I look down and I am completely horrified by what I see, there is poo smeared all over the pushchair. Poo has leaked out of her nappy and all the way down her legs! I'm in the middle of London, tourists everywhere, what do I do? Where do I go? I eventually decide that my best option is to use the changing facilities in the nearby McDonalds. Upon entering I discover the blooming toilets are down a spiral staircase! Gt. Nan and I struggle down the stairs and scoot my stinky small human through the crowds. Alas, the baby change/disabled toilet is in use! After a good 10-15 minutes of waiting, and numerous people walking past literally holding their nose and making strange faces at us, it occurs to me that maybe the toilet is just locked by staff. I send poor Gt. Nan out to search for a member of staff. Finally we get in, and after I get through the second pack of baby wipes and a change of clothes we are slightly less stinky with just mild poo stains on the pushchair!
2). Theme Park S**t Smear!
This one was whilst on holiday in Florida back in June. We were at a theme park at the time and thankfully it was towards the end of the day. We'd sat down for a little rest and as Little Bear was sat happily on my lap my husband and I heard the ever familiar rumble. A baby-change station was just around the corner, so I said I'd go and grabbed the small nappy pod from the change bag. As I walked around the aforementioned corner the rumbling started again, but this time out poured a fountain of poop. Oh the horror! My little one was covered, as was my new bright white t-shirt. I was screaming for my husband but he couldn't hear me. I proceeded to the changing room but I didn't know where to start. There was, very genuinely, s**t EVERYWHERE! She had managed to poo all over her clothes, my clothes and even the bag containing the nappies. As I frantically started wiping everything I kept peeking my head through the door yelling for my husband. I had hoped he would figure I'd been a while, maybe I needed some help, and would come to my rescue. He did not. I kept wiping and wiping, but it seemed to just be spreading and multiplying with each wet wipe I pulled out. After what seemed like an excrement-covered eternity, eventually emerged from the changing room with the baby tucked under my arm in just a nappy (and smiling triumphantly) and a giant poo smear all the way down the front of my top. I walked back to where we were sat yelling accusingly at my poor husband 'THERE'S S**T ALL OVER ME! THERE'S S**T ALL OVER EVERYTHING'. Of course it wasn't his fault, there is no way he could have known. After all, when we left him it was set to be a regular quick change. But it didn't stop me being furious obviously...as I said, I was covered in s**t!! Luckily we had an outfit change for Little Bear. As for me, I had high-waisted shorts on and tucked my t-shirt into my shorts which managed to cover most of the poo. Unfortunately the high-waisted shorts and tucked-in-tee look is not overly flattering for a size 16 with a mum tum! It was time to head home!
1). Pool Poo
And at number 1... the pool poo! An epic poo catastrophe so bad that a swimming pool had to be closed for the day, several swimming lessons cancelled, disappointing plenty of parents and kids to boot. In November my husband had the week off of work; we enjoyed some lovely day trips and had lots of fun together. We ended the week by taking Daddy along to watch Little Bear in her swimming lesson. He hadn't seen her swimming since June so we were excited to show off how well she was doing! Into the pool we go, we start with - 'If you're happy and you know it'. We do 'If you're happy and you know it splash your hands' followed by 'If you're happy and you know it go up and down'...and the moment I lift her in to the air, "it" happens. It almost seemed to happen in slow motion, I see it happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it: poo shoots up into the air as I lift her, I watch it fly up and then splash down as far as the eye can see. There is poo all over me, there is poo all over her, there is poo floating all around us. I alert the teacher and the pool is evacuated, some attempt at fishing the lumps out are made but it is a lost cause (some has sunk to the bottom now and there are clumps floating all over the pool). My husband looks over at me, completely horrified and embarrassed. 'There's poo on your tits' he gruffly announces. Oh the shame! Pool closed. Lessons cancelled. Parents giving us a sympathetic look that says 'Oh no, these things happen, but thank god it wasn't my child'.
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This is hilarious!! We love your anecdotes!
ReplyDelete"There's poo on your tits" made me do a face I didn't know I had... Smiling, face pulled down, eyebrows raised, eyes squinting, hand to mouth. Briliant!
ReplyDeleteOur worst poo experience happened when our little bundle (now nearly 5 months) was 2 weeks old.
Her dad and I had been out shopping in B&Q one evening, feeling super that we'd done a whole tour of the shop without incident. We were new parents, every little thing was new and exciting!
We got back in the car and Tom passed me Babba for a feed.
Earlier in the day I had visited my nan-nan who had done a nifty nappy change on her lap. She said all her kids were changed on her lap, they didn't have those big plastic mats to do it on!
I was feeling a bit nifty in the car so after the feed I pop her on my lap for a nappy change! Tom is in the driver's seat, watching, impressed (obviously) with my new skills.
I'm pretty pleased myself, and beginning to lay a new nappy out I utter the words "well this is easy!"
The words hit the air and almost immediately, I hear an elongated squirt.
I look down to find poop spraying out of my baby's behind, all over her daddy, the gear stick and changing bag that was wedged between us. It was on the door on the opposite side of the car! I was giggling to myself, poo-free. What else could I do?
Small sticky balled-up poop that as soon as you touch it, it smears and rubs into whatever it's on. We had to baby wipe- pick up/ smear and scrub everything.
Dad was not impressed any more.
I'm still giggling.
That's brilliant Hayley! Thank you for sharing. When I posted this at the end of the year everyone had a good laugh but said 'nothing like that had every happened to them!'. So Thank you for not making me feel alone! Although, its probably Tom I should thank! My husband seems to have remained quite poo free! Its me that keeps getting covered in poop! We had another pool incident at our last class, not pool closing, but still not pretty! Feeling nervous to go back this morning!
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